Chances are you’ve read about or witnessed a mid-life crisis in action. Affecting men and women differently it is characterised by feelings of identity loss, depression, mood changes, and dissatisfaction about life choices. There are other kids on the block with regards these ‘crises’ or changes we face internally, viz. the quarter life crises and the thirty crises. The thirty crises is distinct from the mid-life crisis in that people experiencing the 30 crisis are at the beginning of a new stage of their lives and are not motivated by the pain of regret for time lost. For some thirty-something’s it becomes a wonderful opportunity to pause and reevaluate their beliefs and priorities. For others, men and women, who may have more difficulty with emotional regulation or who tend to dwell on questions of an existential nature this can be a time of tumultuous challenges.
The ‘quarter life crises’ usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties are feelings of being "lost, scared, lonely or confused" about what steps to take in order to transition properly into adulthood. Studies have shown that unemployment and choosing a career path is a major cause for young people to undergo stress or anxiety. Early stages of living on their own for the first time and learning to cope without parental help can also induce feelings of isolation and loneliness.
What is called a mid-life crisis, or transition (past 40 years) tends to occur around significant life events, like suffering from drastic loss or financial problems. Its symptoms show in a dissatisfaction with a life style that you were happy about; less interest to connect with friends; reconsidering and questioning decisions you've taken, which is usually associated with confusion about the future; rethinking having a new partner; insomnia, fatigue, changed eating habits; anxiety and irritability.
The 30 crises and how it’s different to the mid-life crisis as explained by counsellor and psychotherapist, Dr. Paul Cullen:
“At age 30 a person may come to fork in the road. They have often been successful enough to secure their autonomy and in many ways feel self-sufficient. In this event a person is left with two very sound questions:
– Why am I doing what I’m doing?
– If I keep doing what I’m doing where is my life going to take me?
It is not necessarily a crisis; it is a transitional period in life, which according to some factors might be an essential phase to be fully mature. It is a time for crossing roads to make radical change in one’s personal and professional life.”
He goes on:
“In our 30’s there is a shift away from individual concerns such as materialism and sexuality and towards contributing to community and humanity. According to Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist who founded analytical psychology, the 30 crisis is a developmental stage where we shift our focus from ourselves to the greater whole. If we don’t make that shift we are going to feel anxious and depressed.
Erik Erikson, another famous developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, had a theory that in health we sequentially go through a series of eight stages of development as we move from infancy to late adulthood. He believed that around 30 we have established our identities and we are faced with a dilemma of intimacy versus isolation. In successfully navigating this stage we learn to form truly intimate relationships with others where we willingly make sacrifices and compromises. According to Erikson in order to navigate the 30 crisis we need to be able to meet our own needs so that we can attend to the needs of others. If we cannot do this then we feel isolated and presumably also anxious and depressed.
In summary, the 30 crisis is a fork in the road where an individual who has been successful thus far stops to evaluate what matters to him or her, and whether they are headed in the direction they truly wants to go. According to some of the prolific thinkers in the field this reevaluation may involve a shift towards contributing to the greater whole and an increasing emphasis on the depth and quality of relationships.”
Islamic teachings
In the case with mid-life crises, blind acceptance of the concept shows an uncritical and harmful acceptance of an armchair psychological concept that has leaked into a broader culture as truth. This concept is highly abused in many cases to justify the sin of adultery or to explain why someone "went off the deep end" in terms of their responsibilities and their Faith.
In actuality, most of what is called a midlife crisis is a normal crisis or transition that anyone may experience in the course of life. We may not be prepared for it, but it should not be unexpected. Questioning where we are going and even who you are generally isn’t catastrophic even though it feels so uncomfortable. We may feel lost because our priorities are shifting, which changes the answer to the question, "Will my future give me happiness and fulfillment?" This questioning peaks as you enter each new phase of our life. Allah says in the Qur’an,
You shall surely traverse from stage to stage. (84:19)
According to Ibn Kathir (ra) such verses tell us in general terms that man's growth and development definitely follow certain stages.
While the mid-life crises is often characterised by depression or alienation the thirty crises leaves men and women asking more spiritual questions. The conundrums aren’t about buying a car or house or which schools to stick the kids into, but rather the yearning is to ensure the significance and value of their efforts. For e.g. he/she might be coping with the ongoing inequality in the workplace, continually feeling misunderstood and mismanaged, and a “niggling” voice that says you have a bigger dream and purpose to achieve. While they may not be considering a new red Porsche, divorce or taking on a new partner they do wonder their value to their family, and how it will be in the future. They are left at a precipice of taking new roads because they feel they can. It is not as wanton as a mid-life crisis.
As narrated in by Imam Tirmidhi on the authority of Muadh ibn Jabl (ra): “…people will enter Paradise at the age of strength and youth, thirty or thirty-three years.” It would be natural then for us at that age to be considering our options, making the most of the hadith “An hour's contemplation is better than a year's worship/adoration.” The beauty of our Deen is that we realise we are not alone going through these phases and all are a test from Almighty Allah:
“We have made people pass through these different phases so that Allah would know the true Believers; have some of you bear witness to the people's deeds; and indeed Allah does not love the unjust.” [3:140]
Wallah’ul Mus’ta’aan
Radio Islam Programming
2013.11.21
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