Written by umm Abdillah, Radio Islam Programming – 2013.12.20
On contemplating the emphasis placed on maintaining family ties in Islam, one could easily conclude it doesn’t come naturally. Indeed, difficult and dysfunctional family members can make the holiday season excruciating to bear, at the least, capped with tons of patience. As many guidelines and rewards as there are in the Sunnah with regards patience, tolerance, respecting the elders, honouring parents etc. even the most willing is tested by the emotional machinations of guests and visiting family. This post looks at ways to overcome intolerance with trying family members.
On the virtue of visiting and spending time together, Allah ennobled the task:
"A man visited a brother of his in a village. Allah dispatched an angel to wait for him on the road. He asked, 'Where are you going?' He replied, 'To a brother of mine in this village.' He said, 'Is he responsible for some blessing you have?' He said, 'No, I love him for Allah.' He said, 'I am a messenger of Allah to you. Allah loves you as you love him.'" [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Al-Bukhari]
That said, our beloved Prophet [pbuh] did however teach us an adage that stands true for guests the test of time:
?? ??? ???? ???
"Visit each other [for short visits] sometimes, and love will increase"
[Tabarani, Al-Baihaqi]
Guests should not willingly outstay their welcome and be mindful of their words, their points for conversation and be aware of tacit boundaries. Most importantly be mindful of the parameters of hijab, making it easy for females to feel comfortable and welcomed even if they wear niqab.
With regards the spite, nastiness and underhanded malice, we can take pointers from Dr Karen Ruskin:
1. Choose to be the side of yourself that you want to be, not the side of you that is in negative reactive response mode to another’s behaviour. This is the side of yourself that feels comfortable to you, and makes you feel in control (kind, empathetic, just etc.) rather than reactive to someone’s comments about you.
2. What someone else says or does says something about them, and nothing about you – e.g. your nit picky aunt tells you: “looks like you gained some weight since I have seen you last”. Tell yourself: “it is my aunt’s insecurities about her own weight that leads her to notice another’s weight.”
3. Have your spouse’s back. How we communicate not only directly to our spouses, but what we say and do not say about them to family is of huge significance. For e.g. if your wife is already uptight predicting that your mother is going to say something mean, because that is the typical pattern, choose to have your wife’s back in a polite way to your mother. “Mum, I love you dearly, those were hurtful words you said to my wife, of whom you know I love deeply, please, this is a gift that we can all be together, let’s cherish it.”
4. Hear our children’s voices. A child who feels their voice matters, even in what is being unsaid will treat themselves and others respectfully.
5. When the paw-paw does hit the fan on occasion, arguments and fights among parents, siblings and our extended families aren’t always a bad thing. Raise real concerns and issues:
a) Ask, 'What are we are really fighting about?' Does your daughter/son/son-in-law etc. feel disrespected? Is mom mad that you never call? Discuss what is really wrong.
b) Examine your contribution to the problem. Are you passive-aggressive? Overreacting? Passing blame? Accept responsibility.
c) Explain your anger; don't show it. Better yet, leave it at the door. You can pick it up on the way out.
d) Be willing to be vulnerable. EG. 'The tension is upsetting me. I miss you.'
e) Find something fun and mutually satisfying to do together instead of the negative pattern. Art? Hiking? Antiquing? Couples who try new activities together are happier. It can be true of moms and daughters, fathers and sons, adult siblings too.
Finally, some sunnah guidelines:
Avoid suspicion. Think positive thoughts of others.
"Be careful of suspicion, for it is the most mistaken of all speech. Do not spy on others, compete among yourselves, envy one another, or despise one another. Rather, be servants of Allah and brothers." [Bukhari]
Give gifts to each other.
"Give gifts to one another, and you will love one another." [Bukhari]
Have a sense of shame.
‘Among the well-known wisdom of the prophets is the saying, 'If you have no shame, then do as you please.' [Bukhari]
Don’t look for faults in others.
"A believer is not a fault-finder, is not abusive, obscene, nor abrasive." [Bukhari]
Pray for good character.
“Allahumma inni a'udhu bika min munkaratil-akhlaqi, wal-a'mali, wal- ahwa'i — O Allah! I seek refuge in You from undesirable manners, deeds, and aspirations ." [At-Tirmidhi].
We ask Allah for tau’feeq. Ameen
0 Comments